Cheating is far from the only mistake that can ruin a marriage.
We all know that having an affair is a major relationship gamble, but physically cheating is far from the only mistake that can ruin a marriage. Here, therapists share 10 other risky relationship behaviors that can be just as costly. Read on to see what they are, and find out how to get your relationship back on track if they sound familiar.
What to do about it: “You should know who is there and what is going on,” says Firstein. “It’s also OK to give input on the frequency of nights out, as well as how late your partner stays out. Different couples have different opinions on what is appropriate, so you need to establish your personal comfort levels and adhere to them.” Another important rule: Make yourself available if your partner calls or texts you while you’re out. It might take you 20 minutes to notice the text in between dinner and laughter, which is understandable, but it can be upsetting to not be able to reach your partner at 2 a.m., Firstein stresses. Try to see both sides of the situation, regardless of which one you’re on: “Being out late at night is anxiety-provoking to the one at home. Communication and contact are key here,” she adds.
What to do about it: “It is critical to talk about this together and understand the role of porn,” says Firstein. If it’s innocent and just about satisfying sexual urges, ask your partner if you two can enjoy some of these fantasies together, IRL, instead. “Maybe make watching it a part of your sexual relationship,” suggests Firstein. Whether you watch it with him or give him your blessing to watch it only when you’re not around, “it is critical that his porn habit is not secretive,” says Firstein. “If you can’t discuss it constructively together, or if there is a deeper reason why he’s turning to his laptop and not to you, seek the help of an experienced couples’ or sex therapist.”
What to do about it: “Some conflict in a relationship is healthy and inevitable, as it means one or both are fighting for the relationship,” explains Firstein. If you never fight, ask yourself (and your partner) why you’ve been avoiding confrontation. “Most of the time it’s a sign of distance, being checked out, or giving up,” says Firstein. Has your mother-in-law been giving him a hard time about how to raise the kids? Have you asked him 100 times to eat healthier and work out more, and feel that he isn’t listening? Whatever it is, it’s time to find those hidden triggers and bring them out into the open. “I would encourage both partners to come back to the relationship and start talking about what they are thinking and feeling so you can start to sort out the underlying issues.”
What to do about it: “As a general rule, openness and transparency—even if it leads to some short-term tension—is much better than secrecy, which just eats away at trust,” says Dr. Shainbart. “I don’t think partners should ever hide finances from each other.”
5 Going to Strip Clubs
What to do about it: If your partner’s strip club visits bother you, “my advice would be to not jump to conclusions about the meaning of it,” suggests Dr. Shainbart. In other words, don’t take it personally, but try to get an honest answer, stemming from an open dialogue, about what it means to your partner. “Share your values, and if you disagree, see if you can understand and respect each other’s feelings and come to some kind of compromise,” he says.
6 Contacting Exes
Shainbart. But if you have no children together and no good reason to get back in touch, “it may represent something more ominous and threatening for the relationship,” Dr.
Shainbart cautions.
What to do about it: Before you panic, know this: “There is not a once-size-fits-all answer, and each situation must be considered on its own terms,” Dr.
Shainbart stresses. So if either of you are bothered by the contact, and especially if you discover it taking place behind your back, speak up immediately. “The important thing is to be honest and open and talk—as well as listen—to each other,” Dr.
Shainbart advises. No one should be more important than the two individuals in the relationship, so if you feel that the behavior is continuing after you’ve voiced your concerns, it’s time to consult a therapist to mediate.
What to do about it: “I ask that the phones and all the devices are turned off when everyone first gets home,” says Firstein. They can be turned back on a few hours later, but in the meantime, “be present and look at your partner. Talk to them, eat with them, sit next to them,” says Firstein. Little moments of connection on a daily basis are crucial to maintaining intimacy.
8 Too Much Drinking
What to do about it: “It’s important to confront the situation,” says Firstein. “If you have a strange feeling in your gut, probably something is not quite right. Talk to your partner, express concern, and find out what is going on.” Whether it’s a temporary thing, like drinking away the pain of a lost parent, or a more serious one, like dealing with alcoholism, the important thing is to ensure that you talk about it, and get help if necessary.
9 Being Married to Your Job
Shainbart. “It’s possible that something at home is so uncomfortable for them that they are actually soothing themselves by staying at the office. For example, they may feel criticized, inadequate, or smothered,” Dr. Shainbart says. “Another possibility is they are avoiding intimacy. When a partner is away from home, it could be a way of avoiding negative feelings stemming from a problematic relationship.”
What to do about it: As we mentioned before, never go directly to “affair” in this case, but also don’t dismiss this as a phase or just nothing, says Dr. Shainbart. “Oftentimes parents get caught up with the kids and don’t have the energy to address or notice changes in the marriage,” adds Dr. Shainbart. Use this as an excuse to have an honest discussion about what’s changed in your relationship, and address both of your needs going forward. “First, convey to your partner that you feel neglected in a self-advocating manner. Do not be attacking, or you will only push your partner further away. One way to do this is to begin by talking about how important your partner is to you,” says Dr. Shainbart. “The second thing to do is to be open to finding out (without judgment or getting defensive) what your partner is uncomfortable about. Try to resolve the problem without blame, but rather with mutual caring and dialogue.”
What to do about it: This one feels complicated, but the action to take is simple. Just speak up about how you feel, as hard as that may seem. And there’s good news: “If the partner with the problem does address it, it can often strengthen your bond as a couple,” Dr. Shainbart says. He reminds couples to never get critical or go into blaming mode here, no matter what the issue is. It takes courage to bring this up, so be as supportive as you can if your partner comes to you with this issue.
