By Your Tango/ Kristina Marchant
If you follow me online, you know that I have a messy past with men. I was married, divorced, a friend with benefits, a doormat, a first date more times than I’d like to count, and the victim of a man who needed a lot of space all the time.
Basically, I spent too many years meeting the wrong men, acting the wrong ways and feeling the wrong things about myself.
However, the weird part was that I wasn’t a weak and stupid woman; I was a smart woman. I was also a pretty, funny, fun and nice woman. I had lots of friends, a good job, and a nice home. I was successful in life in a lot of ways, so how come I was so freakin’ unsuccessful in love?
What took me over a decade and about 1,000 pints of ice cream to understand about love was that smart women could still be very dumb daters. The kinds of things that matter in love aren’t necessarily the things that matter when it comes to having a great career or a busy social calendar. Once I understood the things that did matter, I was able to find a great guy who still loves me to this day.
If my story sounds annoyingly familiar, here are some of tips to help you find Mr. Right and ditch the heartburn once and for all:
- They don’t attempt to change men.
I always treated men like projects — trying to fix, change, save and domesticate them. The problem is that a man isn’t a roadblock at the office. A man is his own person and only he can make the decision to commit, be accountable, treat you right, and work on keeping the passion in the connection.
As much as you’d love to have the power to steer him on the life-road of your choosing, it’s not up to you. Attempting this is only going to cause you heartburn and snatch away a lot of your baby-making years.
With men, you have to stop looking for the challenge and go with the flow of the dating world. If it feels natural, easy, cozy, kind, sweet, tender, calm, safe (heck, almost boring), then you’re in the position for love to blossom.
- They always think of themselves as Queen Bee.
As women, we’re biologically prone to defining our self-worth through our relationships. Men are not as likely to do this. Because of this truth, it’s important for women to feel appreciated, adored and cherished. And men are happy to do these things for us because they define their sense worth through their power to provide.
When you’re in your feminine energy, you’re the queen bee of the hive. You’re the center: still, calm and receiving. The men in your life are the worker bees: giving, doing, nurturing, offering. They’re buzzing around doing what they can to please you, and you’re appreciating them and building them up to go back out into the world.
Once you become the worker bee, the dynamic shifts. He’s the queen bee and men don’t want to be queens. He’ll get bored and resent you for not making him accountable to the relationship. He’ll take you for granted and decide things on his clock, like if he’s going to call you back, if he wants to see you, if he wants your sex. Sound familiar?
- They’re not afraid to be vulnerable.
When you can soften your edges and turn your rough, severe corners into cushiony, velvety textures, you will draw him closer. He wants to feel like you’re a safe place for him to reveal his underbelly. Your softer edges are the perfect place for him to rest his laurels.
To soften your edges, it’s important to get in touch with your feelings and senses. Forget about analyzing his behavior and nagging him about what he’s thinking and why he’s doing or not doing something. Start listening to your insides.
While listening to your feelings, also indulge your senses and let your body be more sensitive to stimuli. Focus on relieving tension and walking in your curves. Imagine that your body is a palm tree in the breeze, swaying and bending with flexibility as you move.
- They let him know they care.
My pug mix is adorable. He’s so sensitive to everything and it breaks my heart when the thunder comes because he panics so badly, I feel like he’s going to have a doggie heart attack. I got him this tiny jacket that holds him tight around his heart and tummy, and the pressure relieves his anxiety. It’s really amazing how it works.
Well, I want you to be a man’s thunder jacket and make him feel safe and soothed in your presence. We all know that men aren’t usually comfortable with feelings, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have them. A smart woman knows how to help hold a man’s feelings.
- They’re open about how they feel.
A smart woman is a transparent woman: her inside and outside match. If you’re having a crap day, express it. If you’re upset with his behavior, tell him. If you’re nervous about being on a first date, say it.
Doing this makes you feel like a safe, no-drama, and no-mystery woman. See, men don’t like mystery the way you’ve heard others advise. Only the commitment-phobes want to play those childish games. Real men like our depth; that’s what’s mysterious for them. They’re captivated and intrigued by our ability to feel things on a deep level.
So many of us women are like most men: we’ve been taught to hide our feelings behind nurturing and giving and taking care of others. However, all that mothering is smothering and controlling. You’re actually controlling a man when you try to mother him; you’re controlling him to control your scary inner world.
It’s time stop hiding from your feelings and dive into a goddess world of soft, sensual, tender, tear-lined, laughter-filled edges. It’s time to be the center of the relationship and not move around working for a man.